Smarmy Jerkface Dot Com

Watched some movies over the weekend, all of which helped further fuel my theory that new movies blow.

Started with Friends With Money.  Now look at that image… four pretty, happy, smiling women in make-up.  Never happens in this movie.  Don’t be fooled.  The film itself contains no actual joy.

Sure the title is accurate in a way, but the film could just as easily have been titled Judgmental Assholes or Nothing Happens in This Movie.  It’s one of those "slice of life" deals where we are plopped into some people’s lives and then yanked out to make room for the end credits.  And what we get to see in between is flat out worthless.

This is one of those movies that wants us to believe not only that Jennifer Aniston is unattractive but that she also would agree to go out with the fat deputy from Jericho.  Rating: 1.0 out of 5.0.

Then it was time to revisit The Ladies Man, which you may not realize was the final SNL inspired film.  I couldn’t remember if the film was merely tolerable or if it was actually good.  Turns out it’s actually good.  It was filmed for about five bucks, but the jokes work, it’s not too long, and there are plenty of SNL cameos.  Will Ferrell is on hand as the film’s villain.  Rating: 3.0 out of 5.0.

A few weeks ago I’d revisited Road House.  One of the great "bad" movies of all time.  I watched the film proper so later I could listen to the new DVD’s commentary track by Kevin Smith (Clerks).  Simply hilarious from start to finish.  The movie itself is a good time, and the commentary track makes it even better.  Rating (film): 3.0 out of 5.0.

Since it’s October I wanted to start watching some of the 2,900 horror movies that have come out in the last couple of years, and started with Stay Alive (only because it was handy).  The movie hates video gamers, and also people who like movies.  It’s filmed almost completely in the dark, through some sort of stupid keyhole lens that shadows out the corners of the screen, and was edited by monkeys.  Also, it takes place in New Orleans, but they do nearly everything they can to eradicate any mention of the city from the film as not to make you feel sad because you’ll think of the hurricane.  And who the hell came up with these character names?  Hutch O’Neill?  Phineas and October Bantum??  Swink Sylvania?!?!  Rating: NO STARS out of 5.0.

So finally it was time to revisit From Dusk Till Dawn, one very bipolar movie that features an entire first hour as a straight up crime thriller until all hell breaks loose and it turns into a VERY over the top vampire flick.  George Clooney, Juliette Lewis and Harvey Keitel are all excellent in this Quentin Tarantino scripted/Robert Rodriguez directed crime/horror/comedy thing.  And Salma Hayek is on hand to be smoking hot for a few minutes too, until she turns into a vampire that is.  Rating: 4.0 out of 5.0.

New movies blow.

Over the weekend I watched a couple of flicks, one old and one new.  Not surprisingly, the one that I’d seen before still holds up, while the new one essentially sucked.  This seems to be an ongoing trend…

First up was Blown Away from 1994… not the two Coreys having dirty, dirty sex with Nicole Eggert movie, but the Jeff Bridges/Tommy Lee Jones flick.  Blown Away is a good movie, but not a great one.  It has some moments that really stand out, but portions of the film are clunky and awkward.  The pacing seems a little weird (many scenes just don’t "click"), Alan Silvestri’s score in places is just ridiculous, and the accents used by the bulk of the cast are laughable.  I love Jeff Bridges but accents are not his strong suit.

Still, it’s an interesting "mad bomber on the loose" actioner with a solid soundtrack and some kick ass ‘splosions.  Shit blows up real good in this one.  (The DVD, one of the earliest MGM releases, could use an upgrade at some point though.)  Rating: 3.5 out of 5.0.

Then for whatever reason came The Sentinel, which is just a steamy pile of monkey poop.  It’s your standard "innocent guy with crazy skills is on the run to clear his name" thing that wastes the talents of nearly everyone involved (can’t waste what you don’t have, Eva Longoria).

Since Kiefer Sutherland is involved and the plotline is political and terroristy I’d say that the movie is a waste of time for anyone who loves and watches 24 as I do, but since The Sentinel so generic and predictable it’s actually a waste of time for anyone who’s ever seen a movie.  Any movie.

Plus, Hollywood’s goofy ass casting of the role of the President continues, this time landing Sledge Hammer himself (David Rasche) as our Commander in Chief.  I mean, seriously… Sledge Hammer?  Rating: 1.5 out of 5.0.

Heroes, gone.  Smith, gone (and cancelled).  Shark… I’m wavering on this one.  Haven’t watched the third episode yet and I’m not sure if I will.  Even if I do though, I doubt it’ll be worth writing about.  It just hasn’t been appointment television.

Still lots to talk about though.  And Wednesdays are officially the most chaotic night in television.

Studio 60 (NBC) – My only concern with the show at this point is how much of the actual on-air "Studio 60" stuff they show.  Unless a sketch is plot-centric, in the future less is more in that regard.  And I’m wondering if I’m reading too much into how the show ended, with Matt slinking off seemingly unhappy with the show’s success.

Jericho (CBS) – MUCH improved over the first two episodes.  The idiocy was cut way down, however the soap opera elements making their way into the story are still irritating.  And the teenagers in this thing, what planet did they beam down from?  You really mean to tell me that after a nuclear attack, in a small town, kids would maintain their little snotty "I’m better than you" attitudes towards other kids?

Lost (ABC) – Good stuff as usual in the third season premiere.  A few questions answered (with about a hundred more asked) and a solid flashback for Jack.  Nothing felt "off", which is always a concern with shows like this when coming back from the summer hiatus.

South Park (Comedy Central) – Those who were worried after South Park‘s drop off in quality during the show’s last run can safely return, as the show is back on track.  While a little late to the party, the season premiere took on the World of Warcraft phenomenon and was hilarious even for those of us who’ve never played the thing.  I’m not sure how Stan’s Dad suddenly became the best character on the show.

I’m slightly concerned about where things might be going with South Park‘s next episode though.  Here’s the official press blurb: The world’s biggest conspiracy of all time will finally be uncovered when Eric Cartman exposes the true culprit behind the September 11th attacks. An attempted assassination in South Park means no one is safe from the people who are the real brains behind the 9/11 conspiracy. When Kyle and Stan hit the road in search of the truth, they come face-to-face with the masterminds who pulled off the most elaborate, intricate and flawlessly executed operation in American history.

Hmmm.

The Nine (ABC) – This is one of those "well it’s on after Lost so I’ll see what it’s all about" type deals.  The premise is intriguing, the cast is top-notch, and I like shows that are unlike anything else on television, but I’m just not sure how this series can maintain itself.  Perhaps I’m wrong, but I do plan to keep watching to see where things go.  If they take too long building up the whole "what happened inside that bank during those 52 hours?" question then no matter what they show us it’ll feel like a disappointment.

LDC hasn’t been feeling well this week, so I’ve been providing the entertainment to keep her mind off the coughing and the wheezing and the whatnot.  Now, comedies have been tough to recommend, because they lead to coughing fits.  So I suggested SNL, which should be safe from laughs.  Let’s take a look.

* Cold Open: Dennis Haysert thing about the Mark Foley thing.  The sad thing about this is that years ago, this sketch would have been cutting edge.  But now, there are 15 other shows on every day that have already taken their shots on this topic.  That makes this already feel dated.  What a disappointment.  As LDC said, it (the Foley scandal) was handed to them on a silver platter and they dropped it.

* Monologue: Jaime is interrupted by all sorts of southern stereotypes.  Enjoyable.

* Logo: It hit me that the new SNL logo isn’t new at all.  It’s the same one used in the lackluster early 1980s seasons.  Smart move there.  Puts me in the mind for some Gary Kroeger.

* Nancy Grace: More Foley stuff and Nancy Grace is insane.  A chuckle or two, but potential was wasted.  Kenan is awesome though.

* New York City Stories: Taped pieces rule.  This one had Martin Scorsese (Fred Armisen) and Rosie Perez (Amy Poehler) having recollections about a particular New York street.  The tracking shot from Goodfellas was filmed inside a pipe.  Awesome.

* Jon Bovi: Too ridiculous to explain, but there was a laugh or two.  Will Forte, when not doing his weak Bush impression or The Falconer, is pretty funny.  And Jason Sudekis is growing on me.  This new reduced cast might work out after all.

* Hands on a Hard Body: Female reporter thinks that Jaime (as the contest winner) is hot.  Awkwardness ensues.  Borderline creepy.  So far the host is being used as nothing more than a prop.

* More New York City Stories: Music version this time.  Not as good as the first one.

* Private School: Kenan rules.

* Corinne Bailey Rae I: I’ve never, ever heard of her, but at least she can sing.  Classy, but not something that’ll wind up on my iPod.  I still maintain though that SNL musical guests should rock, to keep the energy levels up.  This mellow stuff, well, mellows out the crowd.

* Weekend Update: Hader’s Peter O’Toole is hilarious.  A couple other good jokes here and there as well.

* Nascarettes: Um, what was this?

* New York City Stories: They needed to stop with the first one.

* Big Wigs: The first time someone in this sketch said the word "bigwigs" I said to myself "Please don’t let people come in wearing giant wigs".  Lame.  That was like a junior high school talent show sketch.

* Kuato: So the material that this bit is based on is so old, they had to spent two minutes explaining it to the audience.  Timely Total Recall jokes.  Timely.

* Next week: A repeat of last week’s show.  Seriously.

* Corinne Bailey Rae II: More of the same, I guess.

* Cider: So someone had a leftover Delicious Dish script and retooled it?

* Out of Breath Jogger: The hell?  They’ve crammed two skits into the final three minutes?  Weak.

I’m guessing that commercial parodies fell victim to the budget cuts.  Imagine that, the most consistantly entertaining and creative part of the series, gone.

Everything up through Weekend Update was a slight improvement over last week’s entire show.  But after that it took a giant downward spiral.  It seemed like the energy was up a bit and the cast was clicking a little better at first, but then, like always, it all fell apart.  I can’t wait for next week’s rerun!