Smarmy Jerkface Dot Com

Thanks to some ridiculously good sales on new and used games at Amazon, FYE, Blockbuster and other places this holiday season, my pockets (of sanity!) are now empty and my game shelves are now overflowing.

The last two weeks of the year generally become a gaming free-for-all, as family, friends and co-workers have little else to do but join me in my 10-12 hour gaming marathons.  This year, in between the usual rounds of Fight Night Round 3, Tiger Woods, Rock Band and NCAA Football we gave a few of these cheap new additions a shot.  Here's a few quick thoughts:

Conan (Xbox 360) – Everyone dismissed this as a God of War clone upon release, and it quickly faded away.  But it's a competent God of War clone, and pretty damn fun to play with a very smart camera and some interesting scenarios.  The second boss battle in the game, where you're battling a dragon for what seems like half of the entire level, was particularly entertaining.

I was pleasantly surprised to hear Ron Perlman's voice as Conan, but dismayed that he was given some pretty lousy dialogue to work with.  It sounds like it was written for an Evil Dead game (where it would have worked better).  Also, I was almost taken aback when the helpless maidens that you rescue are completely topless in full digital glory.  I know it's a M-rated title and all, but I just rarely expect to see boobies when I'm playing a video game (unless it's The Guy Game, which I'm never playing again anyway).

Ninja Reflex (Nintendo Wii) – Yes, it's another casual collection of mini-games for the Wii.  But it was cheap ($5 used at Blockbuster) and at least it functions properly.  Actions are performed when you do the proper movement with the Wiimote, which is more than I can say about a lot of Wii games.  It's fine to bust out and play for a few minutes here and there, trying to beat other people's times/scores.  Another keeper.

Brunswick Pro Bowling (Nintendo Wii) – This, for example, is a broken Wii game.  It's uglier than Bowling in Wii Sports, and can't even handle the simple motions you use in Wii Sports to bowl with.  All you have to do here is BEGIN the bowling motion and swing your arm back.  You don't have to actually "bowl" your ball.  As long as you bring your arm back, the game takes over and does the rest for you.

I don't understand all these 3rd party bowling games for the Wii.  People ADORE Wii Sports Bowling.  Make a better version of that with all kinds of stat tracking and other bells and whistles and people would eat it up.  Instead, we get inferior cash-ins like this one.  Off to Half.com with you, lousy Wii game.

Flatout: Ultimate Carnage (Xbox 360) – Okay so this is the driving game where the goal is to launch your dude through the windshield in themed contests of either distance or accuracy.  We probably had more fun playing this than anything else in this year's marathon of gaming.  Will you get 40 hours of gameplay out of it?  Probably not.  But with three of your buddies for a few hours, trying all the different events and figuring out just how they are supposed to be done?  Comedy gold.

Spider Man: Friend or Foe (Xbox 360) – Or, Lego Spider-Man.  Seriously, that's what this game is.  Constant enemies, constant things to smash and collect things from inside, repeat.  It's a fun beat-em-up though, which some actually clever writing here and there.  Worth a play-through, especially co-op.

Kane and Lynch: Dead Men (Xbox 360) – I couldn't get anyone to play this co-op with me.  Everyone seemed turned off by the really gratuitous use of the F-bomb.  I'm no prude, but it did seem like they were saying it just to say it.  I'll hang on to it and maybe play through it solo. 

I hope this review doesn't get me fired.

The Club (Xbox 360) – This game has a great concept and an excellent presentation.  My only fault with it is that your character is locked into position on your screen, almost like he's on a stick in front of the camera which is also on the same stick, and when you move your guy just pivots and the background moves instead.  Your guy is always locked into the same position on screen.

I'm probably not explaining that properly.  Trust me, if you just play the demo you'll know what I mean.  Your dude's on a stick.

Juiced 2 and Sega Rally Revo (Xbox 360) – I'm very particular about the racing games I play, and right now, Burnout Revenge and Burnout Paradise give me everything I want from a racing game.  Sega Rally Revo is just a by the numbers rally racing game, and so I didn't have much interest in it after about 5 minutes.  Juiced 2 has a robust single player mode, but multiplayer looks like total ass thanks to horrible framerate issues and so there's no sense in hanging onto it either.

Prizefighter (Xbox 360) – Presentation, for me, goes a long way.  2K Sports' Prizefighter, while not even remotely close to being as fun as Fight Night Round 3, has an amazing presentation throughout career mode, and that alone makes it worthwhile to at least finish a career.  If you could combine the career mode of this game with the gameplay and graphics of Fight Night, not only would you have the greatest boxing game ever, but also one of the best overall games of all time.

So there you have it.  Almost all these games cost less than $10 each, and from that perspective almost any game is "worth it" depending on your genres of choice.  If you can find any of my recommendations for that cheap, get 'em.