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Stupid Idiot by Victoria Jackson

Former SNL star and current double cheeseburger fan Victoria Jackson recently came back into the public eye after going into some kind of bloggy rage when two men kissed on Glee.

Now I don’t watch Glee, but for some reason I expect gay people kiss on Glee all the time. It’s not why I don’t watch Glee, but I mean… come on. It’s Glee! You’re expecting Rambo?

This notion that gays have every right to perform for our amusement but cannot have emotions for one another because “that’s wrong” is just sick. “Yes… YES! Sing and dance for me, gay people! Yes, you’re doing everything I want you to do and I love it! I love Glee! Wait… no… just don’t show affection… don’t kiss don’t kiss don’t kiss no… NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I hate you Glee!”

Chances are you’ve bought a gay man’s album, you’ve sung a song written by a lesbian, or a homosexual cop has protected you from a crime. Someone with an alternate lifestyle probably served you in a restaurant, and you still ate there and paid the check. So what gives you the right to fly into an idiotic religion-fueled rage when two gay characters kiss on what’s probably the most gay friendly show on network TV? You liked everything about it up until that point, and I’d wager that it was probably already a little gay before two men started touching lips together.

Go back to your oblivion Victoria, you’re not smart enough to play with the rest of us.

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What Tiger Woods Should Really Say

As you may or may not know, Tiger Woods will be in my neck of the woods (hee!) tomorrow to issue some kind of statement about his future.  It is Tiger's first public appearance since being turned into a CGI attack victim on Asian television and he will only be reading a statement.  No questions will be allowed.

So what's he going to say?  There's no doubt that it'll be carefully constructed PR spin to help rebuild his "image" and he'll apologize to his family, friends, sponsors, fans, and the PGA Tour.

And it'll be complete bullshit.

Tiger-woods-sad Tiger Woods doesn't want to apologize for being Tiger Woods.  Tiger Woods doesn't want to go to sex rehab.  And quite clearly, Tiger Woods doesn't want to be married.  Tiger Woods wants to play awesome golf and bang hot chicks that look like Barbie dolls.  The only apology he should have to make is to his wife and kids, and that apology should simply be that he's sorry he fell into society's trap of making people feel like they should settle down and do the marriage thing.  He should be sorry that he promised her a monogamous relationship, because it's not what he wanted.

I mean, it's perfectly clear Tiger never had any interest in monogamy.  By all accounts he was cheating on his wife seconds after the honeymoon.  He was cheating on her every chance he got.  And yes, it's a shitty thing to do to his wife since certainly they had no agreement that he could do anyone he wanted whenever he wanted.  If he wanted an open relationship then he should have married someone who would have allowed it.  Problems solved.

But now he's going to go the spin route and apologize to us all.  Like I said, the only people he should apologize to is his family for selling them a misrepresented bag of goods.  He should get divorced, pay his wife off for his mistakes, and then get back to kicking ass at golf and taking names in hotel suites in Vegas.  A blanket apology tomorrow is even more embarrassing and dishonest than what got him to the press conference in the first place.

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RIP Marilyn Chambers (1952-2009)

Famed adult film star Marilyn Chambers was found dead in her home in the Canyon Country area, authorities said Monday, and an autopsy was pending to determine how she died.

The 56-year-old Chambers, whose real name was Marilyn Ann Taylor, was found dead around 9 p.m. Sunday in the 16000 block of Vasquez Canyon Road, said Assistant Chief Ed Winter of the coroner’s office.

“She probably died of natural causes,” Winter said.

Winter said an autopsy would be done Tuesday or Wednesday.

Chambers broke into the porn industry by appearing in the 1972 film “Behind the Green Door,” which was the first widely released pornographic film in the United States.

Her appearance in the film cost the then-aspiring model and actress her job as Procter & Gamble’s Ivory Snow detergent girl, appearing on the soapbox with a baby and the caption “99 & 44/100% pure.”

The Providence, R.I., native had a bit part in the 1970 Barbra Streisand film “The Owl and the Pussycat,” but after establishing herself as a pornographic film star, she was never able to break into mainstream films.

So why am I mentioning a dead porn star?  Well, Marilyn Chambers wasn’t just any porn star.  She was the first porn star.  Okay, my first porn star anyway.

You see, back in the days of my long gone youthful innocence, Showtime used to air porn.  Edited down porn, but porn nonetheless.  Sorry mom, I know I always asked permission to stay up late to watch Friday Night Videos and Saturday Night Live, but I was actually watching Showtime instead.

Late nights on Fridays and Saturdays seemed to be a regular rotation of a Sonia Braga movie called Lady on the Bus, various Emmanuelle flicks, and Marilyn Chambers’ Up ‘n’ Coming (aka Cassie, as it was known on cable), where she played a country singer looking to hit the big time.

Being the student of film that I was, I watched Cassie every single time it was on.  Hell, I probably could still recite every line of dialogue from that film, like I can with Star Wars, Ghostbusters or Star Trek II.  I’d yet to gain access to my first actual porno, and so even this heavily edited version was 100 times more enticing than sneaking a peak at Porky’s or The Last American Virgin or any of the other 80s sex comedies that played on cable around that time.

Okay I’ll stop tap dancing around what I really want to say here.  Marilyn Chambers was fucking hot.  Hot to where you could have plucked her out of the 70s and dropped her into today’s porn scene and she would have not only fit right in but would have been a megastar all over again.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have something to Google search on my iPhone and will be taking a little private time.  Rest in peace, Ms. Chambers.

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Now that I’ve lost all sympathy for her…

ChrisBrown

…this then becomes freakin' hilarious.