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What Tiger Woods Should Really Say

As you may or may not know, Tiger Woods will be in my neck of the woods (hee!) tomorrow to issue some kind of statement about his future.  It is Tiger's first public appearance since being turned into a CGI attack victim on Asian television and he will only be reading a statement.  No questions will be allowed.

So what's he going to say?  There's no doubt that it'll be carefully constructed PR spin to help rebuild his "image" and he'll apologize to his family, friends, sponsors, fans, and the PGA Tour.

And it'll be complete bullshit.

Tiger-woods-sad Tiger Woods doesn't want to apologize for being Tiger Woods.  Tiger Woods doesn't want to go to sex rehab.  And quite clearly, Tiger Woods doesn't want to be married.  Tiger Woods wants to play awesome golf and bang hot chicks that look like Barbie dolls.  The only apology he should have to make is to his wife and kids, and that apology should simply be that he's sorry he fell into society's trap of making people feel like they should settle down and do the marriage thing.  He should be sorry that he promised her a monogamous relationship, because it's not what he wanted.

I mean, it's perfectly clear Tiger never had any interest in monogamy.  By all accounts he was cheating on his wife seconds after the honeymoon.  He was cheating on her every chance he got.  And yes, it's a shitty thing to do to his wife since certainly they had no agreement that he could do anyone he wanted whenever he wanted.  If he wanted an open relationship then he should have married someone who would have allowed it.  Problems solved.

But now he's going to go the spin route and apologize to us all.  Like I said, the only people he should apologize to is his family for selling them a misrepresented bag of goods.  He should get divorced, pay his wife off for his mistakes, and then get back to kicking ass at golf and taking names in hotel suites in Vegas.  A blanket apology tomorrow is even more embarrassing and dishonest than what got him to the press conference in the first place.

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I know I’m not a math wizard or NBC executive, but…

Coco I'm a little sick of hearing from these moronic NBC executives (cough, Dick Ebersol, cough) about how it's Conan O'Brien's fault for the drop in ratings since he took over The Tonight Show from Jay Leno seven months ago.  So let's just take a simple look at the numbers that are commonly available.

Here's an example of the average ratings from shows that aired at 10pm on NBC during the 2008-2009 season:

ER – 10.3 million viewers per week.
Law and Order SVU – 10.3 million per week.
Medium – 9 million per week (and they cancelled it!)
Law and Order – 8.23 million per week.

This season at 10pm, The Jay Leno Show averages 6.8 million viewers. At best, NBC lost 1.5 million viewers per night and at worst lost 3.5 million viewers per night. So then let's say, on average, NBC was 2.5 million viewers down per night at 10pm.

Keep in mind that it's commonly accepted by the NBC brass that local NBC affiliates have experienced a drop in late local news ratings because of the poor lead-in numbers of The Jay Leno Show.  This has been publicly stated on numerous occasions.

Leno's version of the Tonight Show averaged 5.7 million viewers a night. Conan's, before all this controversy, averaged 2.94 million viewers. So on average, Conan's down 2.7 million viewers from his predecessor.

Like I said, I'm no TV executive or anything, but this seems pretty obvious to me. Losing viewers at 10pm means those viewers aren't coming back at 11:30.  If The Jay Leno Show is costing local affiliates their ratings, and local affiliates were screaming that it was, then those lower local ratings are costing The Tonight Show ratings.

Simple, isn't it?  How come I can understand this?

Team Conan.

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Busting the “Sex for World Series tix” lady is a good use of police resources?

This story is such bullshit.

BENSALEM, Pa. (CBS/AP) – How desperate was Susan Finkelstein to have World Series tickets?

VERY desperate, investigators say. So desperate, in fact, they say the 43-year-old suburban Philadelphia woman posted an ad on the Web site Craigslist in which she described herself as a "gorgeous, tall, buxom blonde diehard Phillies fan" desperately seeking Series tickets, according to CBS station KYW-TV in Philadelphia.

Her ad, according to police, suggested she'd offer something extra. "I'm the creative type! Maybe we can help each other!"

The price was apparently negotiable.

What sealed the deal was when an undercover officer responded to the digital ad, and Finkelstein allegedly offered to perform various sex acts in exchange for the coveted tickets. Police did not say precisely what this Phillies fanatic was willing to do to see her beloved team play the Yankees.

No, Finkelstein didn't get the tickets. Instead, she was arrested and charged with prostitution, and got her face plastered across television — and on Crimesider.

If you happen to have extra tickets we suggest you look elsewhere. Finkelstein's listed phone number has been disconnected.

Hope she's out in time to watch the game.

I just think this is a waste of resources. There are 20-30 ads posted to Craigslist every day in every city offering full blown prostitution, but this is the lady that gets busted? Please. Don't even get me started on why this shouldn't even be illegal in the first place. But does a die-hard baseball fan really deserve this treatment? No she does not.