What Tiger Woods Should Really Say
As you may or may not know, Tiger Woods will be in my neck of the woods (hee!) tomorrow to issue some kind of statement about his future. It is Tiger's first public appearance since being turned into a CGI attack victim on Asian television and he will only be reading a statement. No questions will be allowed.
So what's he going to say? There's no doubt that it'll be carefully constructed PR spin to help rebuild his "image" and he'll apologize to his family, friends, sponsors, fans, and the PGA Tour.
And it'll be complete bullshit.
Tiger Woods doesn't want to apologize for being Tiger Woods. Tiger Woods doesn't want to go to sex rehab. And quite clearly, Tiger Woods doesn't want to be married. Tiger Woods wants to play awesome golf and bang hot chicks that look like Barbie dolls. The only apology he should have to make is to his wife and kids, and that apology should simply be that he's sorry he fell into society's trap of making people feel like they should settle down and do the marriage thing. He should be sorry that he promised her a monogamous relationship, because it's not what he wanted.
I mean, it's perfectly clear Tiger never had any interest in monogamy. By all accounts he was cheating on his wife seconds after the honeymoon. He was cheating on her every chance he got. And yes, it's a shitty thing to do to his wife since certainly they had no agreement that he could do anyone he wanted whenever he wanted. If he wanted an open relationship then he should have married someone who would have allowed it. Problems solved.
But now he's going to go the spin route and apologize to us all. Like I said, the only people he should apologize to is his family for selling them a misrepresented bag of goods. He should get divorced, pay his wife off for his mistakes, and then get back to kicking ass at golf and taking names in hotel suites in Vegas. A blanket apology tomorrow is even more embarrassing and dishonest than what got him to the press conference in the first place.
It’s About To Get All Crazy Up In Here, Yo
The next two months will, for me anyway, be absolutely batshit crazy. My routines will be shattered. Phobias will be confronted. Snacks will be consumed.
Let’s start with tomorrow night, as I’ll be venturing out to theaters for only the second time this year to enjoy the Rifftrax Live presentation of Plan 9 From Outer Space. A good time will be had by all, despite the realization that I’ve spent $25 on two tickets to see the worst movie ever made.
But it doesn’t stop there. Sunday I’ll be heading out for yet another flick, this time to see Quentin Tarantino’s latest, Inglourious Basterds. I hope it’s good. I’ve managed to avoid just about everything involving this movie… no trailers, no soundtrack listings… total blackout. I am debating on whether or not to watch the original before or after…
Then on September 4th, Mike Judge’s latest “why did they fund his movie if they’re just going to bury it like all the rest” flick Extract opens in theaters. Well maybe. If it plays on more than 16 screens and actually comes to my town, I’m going that weekend.
That’s enough moviegoing to last me a full year. So let’s move on. September 5th is the start of the college football season, where I’ll be watching my Georgia Bulldogs lose their first game to Oklahoma State. Then September 13th is the start of the NFL season, where I’ll watch my Jaguars lose to the Colts. Thankfully I’m a self-admitted fair-weather fan, and so I won’t be forced to endure either team’s entire season.
And October is just around the corner, where it seems I’ll be revisiting my 31 Horror Movies in 31 Days series on YouTube. It caused me a great deal of stress last year, but people seemed to like it and I have a much better way to do it this year, so it’s a go. Plus I have a flashy new intro sequence… gotta show that off.
Last, but definitely not least, comes the release of The Beatles: Rock Band (squeeeeee!) on September 9th. I seriously cannot remember the last time I was this excited about the release of any game, except maybe Pac-Man on the Atari 2600. I think this’ll turn out a little better than that did. So when I’m not sleeping, working, making videos, watching movies to make videos about, going to the theater, or losing years off my life by watching bad football, I’ll be rocking out with the greatest band of all time.
Strap in…
Titans 13, Jaguars 10, Me Hot
I attended my first NFL game over the weekend, despite having lived in Jacksonville ever since the NFL came to town. My thanks to JBH for the extra ticket.
The last football game I went to was in 2004 and it wasn’t that great of an experience. UF’s stadium is quite uncomfortable and I could have cared less about the game itself since I hate the Gators. But it was a reason to get out of the house on a weekend that I really needed to get out of the house.
The Jaguars game this weekend though, aside from the whole "losing to the Titans" thing, was a pretty good time. There really doesn’t seem to be a bad seat in the place, the chairs are somewhat comfortable, the crowd was pumped, and the game had it’s share of exciting moments.
My main problem with the game was the heat. Yes, I know it’s hot in Florida. But you see, I don’t go outside much. Despite warnings as late as Thursday that at kickoff it would officially be the hottest day of the year, the temp wound up being about 10 degrees cooler than expected.
It was still insanely hot.
I’d prepared to protect my lily white ass by liberally applying SPF 70 sunblock (yes it goes up to 70), but what the label doesn’t tell you is that liberally applying this substance makes you look like a zombie. The label does say that it’s sweat proof. What the label doesn’t tell you is that what actually happens is that the sweat and sunblock simply merge together and form a thick layer of sweat soup all over you.
An observation… a great deal of women seem to enjoy going to Jaguar games. They don’t seem to be that interested in the game itself however. I’m guessing Jaguar games provide somewhat of a safe situation to hang out, drink, and soak up the sun. And don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining. They seem to enjoy wearing as little clothing as possible and I, as a rule, am a fan of that.
DISCLAIMER FOR BRIDE TO BE: At no time did I look at any other women or their scantily clad, sweaty bodies. Someone told me about them being in the stadium. Yeah, that’s it…
WWE Champion Chris Benoit, Wife, Son found Dead in Home
I haven’t watched wrestling in quite some time, but flipped over to it last night just to see what was going on in the world of WWE and imagine my shock in seeing the story I’ve posted below.
I’d watched Chris Benoit wrestle since 1995. And despite the "violence" of the sport, he never struck me as the kind of person who could do what the news is saying. The story is a double whammy of shock and then disgust for anyone who’s followed this man’s (and his family’s) career. I keep hoping the specifics aren’t true, but sadly it’s looking like they are.
Benoit’s death part of a double murder-suicide
Written: June 25, 2007
WWE.com
According to lead investigator Lt. Tommy Pope, of the Fayette County Sheriff’s Department, in Fayetteville, Ga., the deaths of WWE Superstar Chris Benoit, wife Nancy and son Daniel were the result of a double murder-suicide, WWE.com has learned.
Benoit failed to appear both at Saturday’s live event in Beaumont, Tx., and WWE’s Vengeance: Night of Champions in Houston Sunday night, after informing WWE of a family emergency. Several curious text messages sent by Benoit early Sunday morning prompted concerned friends to alert Richard Hering, VP of Government Relations for WWE, Inc. Hering, in turn, spoke with Fayette County sheriffs Monday, and requested that they respond to the Benoit residence to check on him and his family.
Authorities representing the Sheriff’s Department initially had a difficult time entering Benoit’s new Fayetteville home Monday afternoon, which had been guarded by two large German Shepherds roaming freely around the property. Once authorities entered the residence, they quickly located the bodies of Benoit, Nancy and Daniel. WWE was notified of the discovery at approximately 4 p.m.
At 10 p.m. Monday night, Lt. Pope held a press conference in conjunction with Scott Ballard, the district attorney for Fayette County. The press conference officially ruled authorities’ findings as a double murder-suicide from within the home.
WAGA, a FOX-owned and operated television station in Atlanta, reported that investigators believe Benoit killed his wife and 7-year-old son over the weekend, then himself on Monday.
The three bodies have been received by the Georgia Bureau of Investigation’s crime lab, in Decatur, Ga., where autopsies will be performed Tuesday morning. Toxicology reports will not become available for at least two weeks.
WWE.com has further information relating to both the investigation and the cause of death, but the Fayette County Sheriff’s Department has requested that WWE.com not release any additional details at this time.
UGA: Week 5
Despite the outcome of their first five games, Georgia will not go undefeated this season. In fact, they’ll probably go down to Tennessee at home next weekend, given how they’ve played the last two weeks. Once again, the team has all the talent in the world but they cannot harness it.
UGA Week 4: Special ‘Whew!’ Edition
Georgia wins the game by scoring a touchdown with only 46 seconds left in the game against a team that’s lost their last eight games. Good lord… I believe a year of my life has been sucked away thanks to the stress of that one. But I’d still take the satisfaction of that ending over most teams’ constant dominance against everyone they play. Keep reading after the break for what I was going to post…
